I don't intend for this blog to be super serious (despite the title). I normally want to write about funny things, or things that I love, but sometimes I haven't had this much "feeling" in me since Jerusalem so I figured I'd hash out my feelings in a blog post.
Sometimes life is confusing. I wonder if other people experience this, where you are so set on something, and you feel like it is absolutely the right thing for you to be doing yet barriers are put in your way, preventing you from moving forward as you had planned.
Well this seems to have happened to me this weekend. I had thought I was pursuing something that not only I wanted, but something that I had thought the Lord had wanted me to do. I don't mean to be vague, so I'll just say that I auditioned for Vocal Point and didn't make it. I have wanted to be involved with VP for a few years, and had auditioned before. This time, however, was different. Last time I auditioned, made it to callbacks and then was denied; yet I felt fine, I wasn't super upset nor did I feel like I was really missing out, I had done it for fun but had other things in mind as well.
This time however, I felt very strongly going into my audition that this is what I was supposed to do. I auditioned, and again made callbacks. As I performed, practiced and worked with the members of vocal point during the call back, I kept feeling this strong feeling that this was really a special organization, and one that I needed to be involved with. The final portion of the call back was a short solo. I was the last to go, so I was able to listen to all of those called back and was blown away by the talent. I knew as I left that I was by no means the most talented in the pool of auditioners, yet I still felt this really strong feeling that this was what I was supposed to do and that God would make a way for me to do it. That evening I was nervous, I was excited, and I was pleased with how I had performed during the audition. I again knew that I was not the most talented, but I also knew how I had been feeling and really expected an invitation to join, despite my vocal shortcomings. Well, I was at the football game, and knew I wouldn't have service in the stadium, so I kept trying to call and see if I had a voice message. Well, right before half time, I did get a voice message from one of the men saying that there wasn't a spot for me. I didn't break down or cry or anything, but I do admit that I struggled. My mind went crazy; I was frustrated, upset, confused and kind of scared. I was frustrated at what I considered a lack of ability (vocally) in myself, upset knowing that I wouldn't be involved with or get to know the group of awesome guys that I had spent four hours with that day, I was confused by the fact that I had felt so strongly in my heart that this is not only what I was supposed to do, but that this was what I was going to be doing, and I was scared because I had put so much into this and I didn't know what I was going to do now, I was also scared because I really didn't know how I was going to keep music in my life without the chance of performing regularly.
To be honest, I still feel all of these things. I am still sad, but I am determined to find ways to do what I had wanted to do with vocal point. I want to find more opportunities to sing, to share the joy that music has always brought me. I don't know how I will do this, but somehow I will. I am not bitter, nor upset with any of the guys from vocal point, in fact its just the opposite, I now want to join more than ever. Each member was extremely helpful, and absolutely wanted the best from each auditioner. This was clear, and I am so appreciative for the incredible call back session that I had. I haven't felt so involved, and supported since my time in Jerusalem. It was a great, great feeling. So for now, I guess I move on and find something new to pursue. I'm excited and anxious to see what that will be.
Sometimes life is confusing. I wonder if other people experience this, where you are so set on something, and you feel like it is absolutely the right thing for you to be doing yet barriers are put in your way, preventing you from moving forward as you had planned.
Well this seems to have happened to me this weekend. I had thought I was pursuing something that not only I wanted, but something that I had thought the Lord had wanted me to do. I don't mean to be vague, so I'll just say that I auditioned for Vocal Point and didn't make it. I have wanted to be involved with VP for a few years, and had auditioned before. This time, however, was different. Last time I auditioned, made it to callbacks and then was denied; yet I felt fine, I wasn't super upset nor did I feel like I was really missing out, I had done it for fun but had other things in mind as well.
This time however, I felt very strongly going into my audition that this is what I was supposed to do. I auditioned, and again made callbacks. As I performed, practiced and worked with the members of vocal point during the call back, I kept feeling this strong feeling that this was really a special organization, and one that I needed to be involved with. The final portion of the call back was a short solo. I was the last to go, so I was able to listen to all of those called back and was blown away by the talent. I knew as I left that I was by no means the most talented in the pool of auditioners, yet I still felt this really strong feeling that this was what I was supposed to do and that God would make a way for me to do it. That evening I was nervous, I was excited, and I was pleased with how I had performed during the audition. I again knew that I was not the most talented, but I also knew how I had been feeling and really expected an invitation to join, despite my vocal shortcomings. Well, I was at the football game, and knew I wouldn't have service in the stadium, so I kept trying to call and see if I had a voice message. Well, right before half time, I did get a voice message from one of the men saying that there wasn't a spot for me. I didn't break down or cry or anything, but I do admit that I struggled. My mind went crazy; I was frustrated, upset, confused and kind of scared. I was frustrated at what I considered a lack of ability (vocally) in myself, upset knowing that I wouldn't be involved with or get to know the group of awesome guys that I had spent four hours with that day, I was confused by the fact that I had felt so strongly in my heart that this is not only what I was supposed to do, but that this was what I was going to be doing, and I was scared because I had put so much into this and I didn't know what I was going to do now, I was also scared because I really didn't know how I was going to keep music in my life without the chance of performing regularly.
To be honest, I still feel all of these things. I am still sad, but I am determined to find ways to do what I had wanted to do with vocal point. I want to find more opportunities to sing, to share the joy that music has always brought me. I don't know how I will do this, but somehow I will. I am not bitter, nor upset with any of the guys from vocal point, in fact its just the opposite, I now want to join more than ever. Each member was extremely helpful, and absolutely wanted the best from each auditioner. This was clear, and I am so appreciative for the incredible call back session that I had. I haven't felt so involved, and supported since my time in Jerusalem. It was a great, great feeling. So for now, I guess I move on and find something new to pursue. I'm excited and anxious to see what that will be.
